Generational Victim Syndrome; Growing Up Pink - by Starla Knight

Recently, a six part documentary involving the R&B superstar, R. Kelly, and his alleged sexual trysts with minors premiered on the Lifetime network. Some of the victims also allege that he physically, emotionally and sexually abused them. Some people don’t know who or what to believe and other spectators have a lot to say about Kelly’s alleged inappropriate actions.

The premiere of ‘Surviving R. Kelly’ has sparked a very controversial, social media frenzy. While many are discussing the details of the episode, others are having deeper conversations. The most interesting being, what I like to call, Generational Victim Syndrome.

Generational Victim Syndrome refers to growing up within a family where underage girls who fall victim to sexual abuse, are often blamed for the tragic incident. They are accused of being ‘fast’ or ‘acting grown’, and then told that their actions caused their abuser to abuse them. Hold the eyerolling until the end of the column, guys.

In the same situation, the family refuses to get the police involved because they believe that what happens in the family, stays in the family. The abusers continue to roam free and the poor victim is constantly forced to believe that her own actions caused her to be abused.

I was discussing this very topic with a friend of mine a few weeks ago when we met for one of our Saturday lunches. This friend also grew up in a family that did the very same thing when one of her family members was abused. She stated that all of the blame fell on her and as she grew older, she made some very bad decisions when it came to men. It makes one think that maybe if someone had intervened, turned the predator in and gave that hurt little girl some encouragement, that little girl wouldn’t have grown into a broken woman.

These kinds of situations are downright infuriating, as they should be. The conversation should very well change from what women should do to prevent themselves from falling victim to a sick pervert, to teaching our little boys, who will one day grow into grown men, not to be abusers. It’s as simple as one-two-three.

Growing up pink has never been easy. As young ladies, we are programmed from birth to be prepared for the worst. From a young age, we are told never to sit on a grown man’s lap, with the exception of your father, to sit with our legs crossed, and to cover up out in public. Some women even go as far as to tell their young female children that their father isn’t allowed to bathe them. As if those actions are going to stop a pervert from being, well...a pervert.

There definitely needs to be a change in the way we handle sexual abuse allegations and a change in how we teach our children to handle sexual abuse. The main problem is that people are not willing to hold themselves accountable for anything. You’re just as guilty if you disregard your daughter or your son telling you that someone touched them inappropriately. You’re allowing them to be victims and you are also adding to the pot of dysfunction that they are going to carry around with them for the rest of their lives. It’s time to have some real conversations.

In addition to this on-going debate, I have to highlight the fact that currently, many men and woman on social media are agreeing with this mentality. They feel as if young girls or women, should try to tone down their attractiveness, or ‘not be so stupid and vulnerable around men.’ They feel as if sexual abuse can be prevented if women take these actions. Yes, you guys, that was an actual quote from an airhead online. Everybody’s entitled to an opinion, but right is right, and wrong is wrong.

It all starts in the home. Instead of conditioning young girls to believe that if they change the way that they dress or the way that they conduct themselves, that they will be exempt from some sick person violating them. Let’s shift the conversation and talk to our children about abuse and how it is wrong to violate others. If someone doesn’t want to be touched, don’t touch them. If you’re an adult and someone is underage, it is not okay to date them, let alone have sex with them. It needs to be taught and learned in the home. It’s absolutely necessary.

Now, another interesting tidbit I found in some of the commentary asked the age old question: ‘Where were their parents at?’

Here’s the answer: none of your business. First of all, I grew up in a home with three sisters. After my parents split up, my mother took on the responsibility of raising us alone and my Dad would come and visit us whenever he chose to. My mother worked during the day and went to night classes afterwards. It wasn’t exactly possible for her to keep an eye all four of us 24 hours a day. Parents can’t be everywhere all of the time so let’s just erase that question from the conversation. All they can do is try to raise us right and hope that we make well-informed, safe decisions even when they aren’t around.

You can’t go blaming hardworking parents for what someone, who should know better, does to their children. It’s not like they called this older man up and told him to come pick up their daughter, brainwash her, and make her think that their relationship is about love. They’re not the reason that she is lying and sneaking out with a man as old as her father. That older man should know better and if anybody is to blame, maybe it’s his parents. Go and point the finger at them.

Again, in every situation, there just has to be a scapegoat, but society has a way of choosing the wrong one. The young lady is considered ‘fast’ or ‘promiscuous’ when she has sexual relations with an older man. But the older man is seldom questioned. I have said it once and I will say it again, a child under 18 cannot consent to having a sexual relationship with an older man. So for all of those people who believe that type of relationship can be consensual, you are a part of the problem.

This change in society that most of us long for may be forthcoming, but it won’t happen overnight nor will it happen easily. This conversation has to be an ongoing one to ensure that we are instilling morals and values in our children that will have a positive impact on the decisions they make as an adult. All sexual predators have a past, and most of them have pretty scary ones. Some of them even experienced sexual abuse in their young life and carried that open wound into their adult life. It was left untreated and the victim became the predator. How is any of that the future victim’s fault?

Lastly, can we stop making fun of people who fall victim to sexual assault? Hearing that someone was raped and then using derogatory slurs to defame them is like throwing lemon juice on a paper cut. How will women or men who find themselves on the receiving end of sexual assault, ever feel comfortable coming clean about it if the threat of being judged, talked about or waved off is constantly looming?

This syndrome...this mental sickness will continue to be handed down to generations to come if we don’t choose to do something about it now. Instead of encouraging this kind of behavior and discouraging others from living out loud, young, wild, and free, how about we start making sure that people who choose to do perverted things, suffer the consequences?

Let’s stop keeping dark family secrets to protect those who are responsible. Rehabilitation is necessary, ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. By not reporting the sexual abuse, you are opening the door for it to happen again. Let’s stop making the victims feel guilty about being abused when all they were trying to do is live their life the way that they choose to live it. Is this really the world we live in?

If you or someone you know has been sexually abused, please seek help. Listed below are resources you can use to get the help you need to put your life back together.

1-855-VOICES4 - 24 Hr. Hotline for confidential support and resources.

https://www.nsvrc.org/ - National Sexual Violence Resource Center

https://www.loveisrespect.org/ - Love Is Respect

https://ojp.gov/ovc/about/index.html - The Office for Victims of Crime

As always lovies, I’d love to know what you think. E-mail me at thefrictionmag@gmail.com and let me know how you feel about this topic.