Dear Miz Mayhem - January 2019 - by Miz Mayhem

GOT QUESTIONS ABOUT BDSM, FETISHES & OR KINKS? MIZ MAYHEM’S GOT THE ANSWERS!

*Dear Miz Mayhem,

I’ve been to a number of parties and I can’t seem to be able to meet somebody who is interested in playing with me. I don’t understand this as I thought these parties were all about playing, aren’t they?

- Marco,  Livonia, MI

Dear Marco,

I’m not exactly sure what your approach may be as far as meeting people. In my experiences, I have found that the best way to meet people and have opportunities to play with them starts with getting to know them. Get out at other kink related gatherings and meet people who share the same interests that you do. Don’t push or force yourself onto others. As trust is a huge factor in these type of dynamics, whether serious or casual, it is ultimately up to you to earn that trust.  From there, you may have more luck in finding play partners and play scenes at future events. Best of luck to you!

~Miz Mayhem

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*Dear Miz Mayhem,

I’m having a hard time finding a Domme. I live in a smaller town and it seems like most of the Dommes I have met online all want money or a tribute before they’ll even talk to me. Do you have any suggestions for how I could meet one?

- J. Smith, Eaton Rapids, MI

Dear J,

Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to expand your search to Lansing, or beyond, as it doesn’t seem to be that far from your town. I understand the difficulties involved when seeking out something locally and living in a small town. I would encourage you to check out to various groups that share your similar interest and utilize other resources to find Dommes who are not only available to you online. It’s also important to have a good understanding of what it is that you want in a D/s dynamic with a sub. What are your specific needs wants and desires? It is imperative to make sure that you and any potential Domme share these same interests. If you are expecting a sexual relationship with a Domme, that needs to be put on the table. Not all D/s dynamics include this. I stress the importance of open communication. Do not let your fantasies override your common sense. Keep me in the loop and let me know how it goes for you!

~ Miz Mayhem

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*Dear Miz Mayhem,

I’m getting kind of irritated at one of my friends who won’t share his play partner with me. I have no problem sharing my submissive with my friends in the scene.

Peter S., Flint, MI

Dear Peter,

I’m giving you some tough love, Peter. While it is quite generous of you to share your submissive with your friends, you have NO right to expect that from anybody else!  Each dynamic is as unique as the individuals involved. Everybody’s journey is their own and they’re allowed to make their own rules. There is nothing wrong with sharing and there is nothing wrong with not sharing, as far as submissives are concerned. Everybody’s got their something.

~Miz Mayhem

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*Dear Miz Mayhem,

Is it really necessary to wear fetish attire to parties and events? I don’t have a lot of that type of clothing and I cannot afford to just go out and buy that type of stuff.

-S.B., Grand Ledge, MI


Dear S.B.,

Most of the events that I have attended do encourage fetish attire. If it is a themed event and you are still not sure what is required, I suggest contacting the event host/hostess, just to be certain. It never hurts to ask and it is always best to be prepared. If you feel your budget doesn’t allow for a  brand new fetish wardrobe, you can always improvise. Check out thrift stores or vendors fairs to find things that are more budget-friendly, as well as a fetish friendly. You could find some great, sexy, mix and match pieces or even a pair of leather boots or pants! Who knows?!? Your only limited by your imagination!

~Miz Mayhem

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*Dear Miz Mayhem,

Could you please tell me about vetting? I saw an event online that I wanted to go to and I RSVP’d to it. I got a message back from the host stating that I needed to be vetted for this party. Since they didn’t know me and I was not able to share any mutual friends I was not allowed to go. Is there another way I could have been vetted?

-Ginger, Battle Creek, MI

Dear Ginger,

Vetting is a process that many event hosts/hostesses use, as a measure of precaution. Vetting is up to the individuals hosting and their own specific standards. The best way to get vetted is to ask the event host. Sometimes they will have a munch prior to their event, where you may be able to get vetted.  Generally, vetting is done thru an invited attendee who knows both you and the host, who is willing to vouch for you. At that point, they become accountable for you, as they have put in a good word for you.  If you ever have the opportunity to to have someone vette you, don’t fuck it up! Be cautious and mindful. Ask questions. Dont be impulsive. Pay attention to detail, such as protocol or group rules. The person who vetted you put themselves out there for you. Mind your P’s & Q’s. If you don’t, your reputation comes into question and if you misbehave, you will have difficulty getting invited anywhere. If you ask someone to vette you and they decline, don’t get upset. They are allowed to say no and do not owe you any explanation.

~Miz Mayhem
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If you’ve got BDSM questions for Miz Mayhem, submit them to her e-mail at mizmayhem3@gmail.com.