Dear Miz Mayhem - November 2018 - by Miz Mayhem

DEAR MIZ MAYHEM

Miz Mayhem knows that BDSM can be intimidating or even somewhat scary, when first introduced. There are an overwhelming number of fetishes and kinks to discover and much to learn and experience! There are so many questions that come to mind. Your thoughts race with your own imaginations of the unknowns, swirling into the anxious excitement to explore and experience all of the hedonistic pleasures that can delight one’s mind! For those who are serious about their involvement in the Lifestyle, it is a never ending opportunity for learning and growth. While there are many avenues to be curious about, its always the safest and best practice to do your research. Seek your BDSM/Kink education thru available resources, for yourself, so that you hold the power and ability to enhance your own journey into this wonderful thing we call the Lifestyle! Your BDSM is what YOU make it!

If you have questions about the Lifestyle, Miz Mayhem wants to help. With many years in the Metro Detroit community, she has gained valuable experiences and knowledge throughout many spectrums of the BDSM lifestyle. Attending many local and national events, learning and exploring new things, meeting , learning and networking with other Kinksters, has provided her with extensive knowledge to share, relevant advice to offer and a strong desire to mentor. Her primary focus in on creating a sense of community thru fostering goodwill to support growth and sustainment.

If you have a question about BDSM, Kink or the Adult Lifestyle, please send them to Miz Mayhem, here at Friction Magazine, via email. Mizmayhem.frictionmagazine@gmail.com.

Dear Miz Mayhem,

What is the difference between what I have heard called Dominant and submissive dynamics and Top and bottom? Aren’t they the same?

-Confused in Clawson

Dear Confused in Clawson,

No, they are not the same but I understand the confusion. The relationships of these dynamics are defined within the context of the scenes. Top/ bottom dynamics center on activity based scenes.  A Top administers physical play, while the bottom receives it. These tend to be causal dynamics where pick up play is common and is not necessarily a relationship beyond the scene. Dominant/submissive dynamics are psychological based. In these dynamics, the Dominant takes power given to them by the submissive. These are also more relationship based where there are pre-negotiated rules, roles, commitments and long term power exchanges from the people involved. Take some time to consider what you really want to do, experience and explore within your curiosities, before jumping in and labeling yourself.

~M.M.

Dear Miz Mayhem,

I’ve heard of safe words but I am not sure what they are, exactly. What do they mean and are they necessary to use?

-Matt, Holland, Michigan

Dear Matt,

Safe words are pre-negotiated terms, code or signals used to communicate to a partner that a scene is getting too intense and needs to slow down or it needs to end, all together. Commonly used by the bottom or submissive, safe words can also be used by the Top or Dominant. Typical safe words are “Yellow” and “Red”, but you can choose your own. If you go that route, be sure to select safe words that you wont forget. Be sure to communicate with your partner what your safe words are and discuss your expectations as far as what will happen when they are used. Safe words are, in fact, necessary to ensure that your boundaries and limitations won’t be crossed during a scene. It is good idea to only play with people your trust to honor those safe words and never be embarrassed to use them. I would prefer to hear a safe word, and honor the trust placed in me, during a scene, rather than to have my partner feel resentment, violated or mistreated. Play safe, ALWAYS!!!
~M.M.

Dear Miz Mayhem,

Is there always sex involved in BDSM? I identify as an asexual and it feels like every person I know who is into it, talks about the sex. Can I do BDSM without it?

-Asexual Amelia

Dear Asexual Amelia,

This is a great question that I am happy to answer! BDSM is what YOU make it. If you don’t want to incorporate any sexual activity into your play, you are not required to. When negotiating scenes with your partners, be sure to be as specific as possible with your boundaries and limitations. Only play with partners you know and fully trust to stay within your pre-scene negotiated parameters. Tis never a good idea to attempt to re-negotiate mid-scene. 

~M.M.

Dear Miz Mayhem,

I was at my first ever party with my friend and I overheard someone talking about being at a recent munch. I was too nervous to ask, but I am wondering, what is a munch? I don’t really know anything about this stuff and my friend is new to it, also.

Tiffany W. Lansing, MI

Dear Tiffany,

Munches are an informal social gathering of like minded people, typically Kinksters just like yourself These are usually held at a restaurant or bar and offer informative discussions, demonstrations, (sometimes) and an opportunity to meet new people and learn new things. Each Munch is as unique and varied as the group hosting it. Munches are designed to be a safe, public, local experience that is meant to help those who are curious about BDSM meet others, get comfortable in the Lifestyle and , be better informed. It is also a place for people to get or give advice, pass on experiences, and get to know others. These are a great starting point for those who are new and serious about expanding their kink lives. Please keep in mind that munches are not a dating service, hook up happening or singles mingle. 

~M.M.


Dear Miz Mayhem,

I have known for sometime now that I was different from other people. I have some fetishes I want to explore but I am hesitant to openly express. I want to let out this side of me but I am not sure how or where to start or even where to go, where I won’t be looked at like some freak. What do you suggest?

-Traverse City Timid Guy


Dear Traverse City Timid Guy,

I have been in your shoes before. Anyone who is already in the Lifestyle was once new, too. I recommend that you first take some time to consider what you want to explore and how you want to explore it. Then, seek out groups that are all about what your interest are. If you already know some Kinky people, seek them out as a resource. There are ways to use Google to find outlets and opportunities to explore your interests, desires and fetishes. When getting into the scene or communities that are around, always proceed with caution. Use common sense and treat everyone you encounter with the respect and courtesy you would expect in return. If you don’t know something, ask. It is good practice to do so, in order to avoid crossing lines or offending someone, unnecessarily. Each of us in the Lifestyle is someone with our own set of kinks, fetishes, interests and desires we want to explore. Its important to be respectful and to follow the rules of the group. Good luck getting your Kink on!

~M.M.