Swipe Culture Club: An Inside Guide to Dating Apps from a Professional Left Swiper - by Starla Knight

The digital age has provided us with more conveniences than I can count on my manicured digits. Along with it has come the increased lack of actual, real life, socialization taking place. ‘Tis no wonder, my lovies, that more & more people are signing up for online dating apps like Tinder, POF, OKCupid & Farmers Only. Technological advancements have provided us lonely creatures of convenience with an enticing array of platforms to serve our primal needs, whether we seek life partners, casual relationships, hook ups or random fuck buddies. Dating apps give us the feeling of being desired. It’s a powerful justification of our self worth to get loves likes, comments, swipe rights, matches & massages.

On a recent adventure of exploring some dating apps, I learned quite a bit about humanity. Move in close, kids…criss-cross applesauce & listen up!

BASIC COMMUNICATION
When it comes to dating apps, some people tend to forget basic communication & etiquette. Let me help you, honey. I have found that most people who are serious about their intentions, regardless of how long term or short term the dynamics they seek, will spend a few minutes filling out a profile. Adding photos, interests, kinks, etc…  A measure of substance. Pay attention! The profile is the key to unlocking the gate, so to speak. If you’re going to comment or send a message, include something you have gleaned right from their profile. Engage in a real conversation. It doesn’t have to be War & Peace, but interact & do so with intelligence. Saphiophiles are everywhere! If someone doesn’t pay attention to a simple profile, what don’t they pay attention to in real life?

With my dating app profile in-boxes inundated with messages from all types of women, men & other gender identifying people, it gets overwhelming. Having to sift thru so many messages daily, if a person messaging me can’t open with something smart, funny or witty, I won’t bother, as I know it only turns into a drawn out “interrogation”.

Ladies (in particular), don’t expect the men to be the ones to always engage in conversation. If someone messages you, asking conversation starting question, take the time to answer them with more than one word sentences. If you want them to make an effort, you need to, also. Elaborate, when asked inviting dialogue, rather than give brief answers.  Heaven forbid, don’t ignore general information seeking questions with someone you conversed with, and only focus on the sexting.

Believe it or not, you can tell a lot by a person by their social media interactions. Make your own profile attractive & interesting. If a person’s profile is too good looking to be true, they probably are. Catfish are everywhere, not just MTV. If a person’s profile is nearly non-existent, so are they.
These are a few examples of the messages I received:

1.
THEM: *Dick pic shown next to Mountain Dew can.  8” long 5”girth man sausage you wanna come get this?

ME: *Sipping a can of coke, curious, I get out a tape measure. Standard can measures 5” long & 2 1/4” wide, at best. I think your math is wrong. Measure again. 

THEM: Huh?

ME: According to my can of Coke, your cock is a a bit shy of your machismo inflated numbers, but let me tell you, the photographic quality, precise shading & perfect aperture of this masterpiece you refer to as your “man sausage”, has my panties already on the floor.
  
THEM: So…we fuckin or what?

ME: With that Vienna sausage? Be still my burning loins & beating heart.

THEM: Bitches call me Wonder Dick!!!

ME: I bet they do! Wonder where it is!!?!!

THEM: Fucking slut!

ME: So..?

2.

THEM: Yo baby, sup.

ME: Not impressed at all with THIS well thought out, well written greeting. Not enough.

THEM: You gotta come git you some of this

ME: I’ve had enough already today. I’m out.

THEM: Ayy, before you go, show me dem tiddies. Send me a pic

ME: Pass. I don’t follow commands & I don’t find you worthy of my “tiddies”. 

THEM: Yo baby why you gotta be mean?

ME: I’m not mean, you just don’t like what I’m saying.

THEM: You gon let me see dem tiddies?

ME: *sends pic of cow udders*

THEM: Your nasty

ME: It’s Farmer’s Only…

3.

THEM: Hi

THEM: How are you?

ME: *Cracks open a cold one*…  I’m amazing! This is too dull for me…do you have a chosen topic of conversation?

THEM: What have you been up to, today?

ME: Is this guy for real? I see he types English, but does he speak it? Is there something in particular you want to talk about? I feel like these are face to face encounter types of questions…can you engage my mind?

THEM: Are you at least going to ask me anything? Is there anything you want to know about me?

ME: *crickets chirping*

DICK PIC ETTIQUETTE
As difficult as it may be for some to believe, dicks aren’t magical. Its not a unicorn horn. Women don’t fall onto dick at first sight. Your dick isn’t magic. Shhh……No.  Shhh…… No, baby. It’s not.  Dudes…if a girl or other gender identifier wants to see your dick, she will tell you. I promise. If she doesn’t tell you, she doesn’t want to see it. If you’re feeling unsure if she has asked you, she hasn’t. Practice responsible dick pic-ing. Genitalia is not acceptable conservation starters, even for apps like Tinder. If you’re the kind of guy who MUST show his junk, have some fucking class! There are better ways to deal with your sexual frustration. Here are a few tips to dress your penis for social media success. NO dicks next to beer/soda cans. NO tidy whities around your ankles, showcasing your black socks & filthy carpeting. NO bathroom dicks-not sexy! Make your bed, clean your room, for fuck’s sake! The intended recipients of your photos, solicited or otherwise, are not dick readers. No one is going to gaze upon it, unlocking the secrets of your clandestine future.

CYBER SAFETY
A note of precaution for all of my lovies out there: The internet is amazing & scary, simultaneously. Protect yourself AND your identity by following these three simple steps…

1.  NEVER UTILIZE ONLINE APPS WHILE CONNECTED TO PUBLIC, UNPROTECTED WI-FI. When connected to public networks, while at coffee shops, airports, hotel lobbies, it’s much easier for hackers to monitor your activity. Use your Bluetooth, instead.

2. NEVER SHARE YOUR PERSONAL INFO  Most dating apps ask for your name & location. You have the option to upload photos. Hackers can easily find too much information on dating apps & other social media sites. NEVER provide them with your employment information, date of birth, banking or other personal information.

3. NEVER SYNC YOUR DATING APPS WITH OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS  Most dating apps utilize tokens from social media to verify users who accept the option to sync dating apps with their accounts. Tokens give the dating apps access to personal information despite the sites, established password protection mechanisms. Shared info, that hackers can easily take includes; Birthdays, friends lists, interests, employment information & more. Tokens are not securely stored & give hackers access to your dating & other profiles.

Play it smart and never forget protection, but do play.  I would love to hear from you, lovies, anything to add or comment on swipe culture club? Email me at starla.friction@gmail.com.