Naughty News for May 2018
Caught Yellow Handed
The victim walked in on the stranger inside her Monroe home around 5 PM. The woman told cops that when she confronted the intruder, the naked burglar claimed that she was instructed by an unknown male to break into the victim’s house.
Officers that responded to the 911 call identified the naked woman as Evelyn Washington, a 29-year-old Monroe resident who resides a little over a mile away from the victim’s house.
Washington apparently entered the home through a broken window.
An officer noted that she observed that the bathtub was full of water and there was a plate of food along with half-eaten Cheetos that belonged to the victim sitting on the toilet next to the tub.
Washington was arrested for burglary and criminal damage to property. She is locked up in lieu of $8000 bond at the Ouachita Correctional Center.
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Worst Disguise Ever
The man police identified as Kerry Hammond Jr., has been arrested in connection with the April 13th burglary of the video game store in St. Marys, a city in Georgia’s southeastern corner.
22-year-old Hammond allegedly sought to hide his identity by wearing the plastic wrapping around his head. But Hammond did a poor job hiding his face, as seen in video surveillance stills released by police. A distinctive tattoo on Hammond’s right forearm can also be seen in the security footage.
Hammond has two other active felony warrants for burglary and criminal damage to property.
Hammond has been dubbed “Big Dasani” by Georgia police. In seeking the public’s assistance St. Marys police have noted that, “You can help us catch him, once you stop laughing.”
Hammond was arrested on April 19th on a pair of felony charges and booked into the Camden County jail, where he is being held without bond.
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Put Mouth Here
A Florida Man was arrested on the morning of April 19th on a drunk driving charge. Police reports indicate that the suspect was in his underwear behind the wheel. They also reported that the suspect’s drawers were imprinted with the word “breathalyzer” and the phrase “blow here,” which was located near his genitals.
After spotting a Dodge pickup truck weaving on a Port St. Lucie highway around 3 AM, a cop pulled the vehicle over outside a Best Western hotel. The driver, Daryle Lee Campbell, was handcuffed for being a little aggressive and for the officer’s safety. Campbell had been spotted throwing a “black object” from his truck, but the police never recovered the object.
Campbell claimed that he was on the way to help a friend who had a flat tire. Campbell was barefoot and in his underwear at the time. He seemed jittery and was unsteady on his feet. Police report that he appeared under the influence of some kind of stimulant. After Campbell refused to perform field sobriety tests, he was arrested on a DUI charge.
An inventory of Campbell’s ride turned up a penis ring in the truck’s center console, as well as several condoms found throughout the vehicle and binoculars sitting on the passenger seat. Cops ultimately concluded that Campbell may have been attempting to attract prostitutes in the area. Along with wearing the suggested underwear, Campbell had his hair gelled and combed.
Campbell’s rap sheet includes two prior drunk driving convictions, according to investigators. Court records show that he has also been convicted of carrying a concealed weapon, cocaine possession, and resisting arrest.
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Flounder Pounder
According to police reports, a Florida man was arrested on April 22 after he allegedly struck his boyfriend in the head with a Big Mouth Billy Bass novelty singing fish.
Officers responded to a 911 call that Sunday afternoon to a residence in Sebastian to deal with a reported domestic battery. When cops arrived, they found Larry Timmerman with a laceration on his head. Timmerman told the officers that the injury was caused by a Big Mouth Billy Bass thrown by Gregory Carney, 54.
After interviewing Timmerman and Carney, cops discovered that the men had been domestic partners for 17 years. They had also been quarreling earlier in the day. At one point, Carney went into the den and began playing with his singing fish. Timmerman claimed that Carney continued doing this just to aggravate him.
After a while, Timmerman, 52, became so annoyed that he removed the singing fish from the room and placed it in the trash. When Carney discovered the novelty item was missing from the den, he asked Timmerman about its whereabouts.
When Timmerman told Carney that Billy Bass was now in the trash, Carney became angry. Carney then fished the singing fish from the garbage and allegedly threw it at his boyfriend. The item struck Timmerman in the head, causing a laceration.
Carney admitted to throwing the singing fish, but said that he did intend to hit Larry and that it was just an accident. Carney was subsequently arrested for domestic battery, a misdemeanor, and booked into the county jail. Now free on $500 bond, he is scheduled for a May 15 arraignment.
Timmerman declined medical treatment for his injury.
Police reports do not indicate whether cops confiscated the Big Mouth Billy Bass as evidence. The Big Mouth Billy Bass performs excerpts from the songs “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” and “Take Me to the River.”
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Female Jail Guards Face Public Indecency Rap
Two uniformed female corrections officers were found in the backseat of a parked car with their hands down the each other’s pants in the early morning hours of April 8th. Colorado police say that their first attempt at separating the duo was ignored by the lovebirds.
Denver cops were made aware of the groping pair by a passerby around 5:30 AM. The women were in the rear of a silver Kia that was parked in a lot next to a 7-Eleven.
When a patrolman shined a flashlight into the car, the women did not cease making out. But when a second officer directed his patrol car lights on the Kia, the pair separated and began putting their clothes back on.
Police identified the women as Sarah Kate Ippolito, 26, and Mary Jane Torrez, 37. Both were still wearing their blue Department of Corrections uniforms.
Ippolito (seen above) and Torrez work at the Denver Women’s Correctional Facility, which is located about two miles from the parking lot where they were busted for public indecency. Both women were scheduled for a shift that began at 6 AM Sunday.
Cops reported that the Kia was parked in a well lit area and that the act was visible from all the windows of the vehicle.
Ippolito and Torrez are due in court this month in connection with the misdemeanor case.
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