Naughty News for April 2018 - Friction Staff
Man Catches Beating for Beating Off
A 64-year-old Florida woman went off after catching her fiance’ who watching porn and masturbating. She’s facing a criminal charge for allegedly battering him, police say.
According to police reports, the week of February 12th, Gayle Tindall discovered her beau pleasuring himself one morning with the aid of some of his favorite pornographic entertainment in the couple’s Fort Pierce residence. Tindall and the man argued for a bit before the victim headed to work.
All hell broke loose once the man returned home. Tindall was still pretty pissed off and allegedly “grabbed his arm digging her nails into his right forearm and scratching him.” Despite his injuries, the victim declined medical treatment.
Tindall was arrested on a battery charge and booked into the county jail (from which she was released on $250 bond).
As a condition of her release, Tindall is not allowed to have any contact with the victim and she is not allowed to go within 500 feet of the couple’s residence. Tindall was scheduled for a March 13 arraignment on the misdemeanor count. As of yet, there is no word on how this story ended.
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Chicken McFuck It
An obviously hungry Minnesota man broke into a home in the early morning hours of March 10th
and cooked himself some chicken nuggets before police arrived and took him into custody.
Dylan Bradley Madden, 21, found his way into a Mankato home though an unlocked garage door around 2 AM. A woman and her two juvenile children were in the home at the time of the break-in.
Madden found his way to the kitchen, where he cooked the chicken nuggets and poured himself a drink to wash them down with. The homeowner, who confronted Madden inside the residence, told police that the intruder appeared to be drunk off of his ass.
Police performed a breath test which recorded Madden’s blood alcohol content at .10, just above the .08 limit. Cops reported that Madden was not at all drunk enough to blame his dumb ass decision on the alcohol.
Madden was arrested on a felony burglary charge in connection with his quest for some post-midnight grub.
Madden’s rap sheet includes a 2016 felony conviction for which he was sentenced to five years probation. He violated terms of his release last year, but court records do not indicate what additional punishment may have been levied against Madden.
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Fear The Walking Airhead
Justin Deemie, 27, claims that he was fearful of an impending zombie apocalypse when he allegedly stole a car, rammed the vehicle into an airport terminal, and then made his way onto the tarmac, where he hijacked a vacant plane to escape the undead invaders.
Deemie was indicted today on several felony charges related to the bizarre drug-fueled spree on February 17 in Peoria. Deemie is locked up in lieu of $500,000 bond and is being charged with burglary, home invasion, criminal damage, and possession of a stolen vehicle. Deemie faces up to 30 years in prison if convicted of the felony counts.
According to police reports, Deemie was under the influence of narcotics when he became convinced that a zombie invasion was coming. Deemie is accused of breaking into the home of a neighbor, Larhonda Gonzalez, around 3 AM and stealing the keys to her Ford Escape.
Deemie then drove the stolen SUV to the airport, where he sought to crash into the terminal. He then somehow bypassed security and got aboard an empty plane parked on the tarmac.
Deemie then fled the stationary plane and, with the aid of a brick, tried to break into a Peoria County Sheriff’s Office squad car that was parked nearby. Deemie planned to drive the cop car to Florida.
Deputies eventually apprehended Deemie as he ran away from the patrol vehicle. Court records do not indicate what specific substance (or substances) caused Deemie to think that zombies were pursuing him.
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Drunken Woman Arrested for Coming on to Easter Bunny
Cops say the 54-year-old Ohioan, Ladonna Hughett, spent Saturday afternoon at a carousel park in Richland, a city located between Columbus and Cleveland. Hughett appeared to be drunk off her ass at the time, according to a witness who spoke with police.
At one point, Hughett had her photo taken with the Easter Bunny. It was then that she “allegedly made lewd comments to the Bunny” before hopping on the carousel. Unfortunately, the Mansfield Police Department report does not completely describe the inappropriate words that were reportedly
whispered in the victim’s giant ears.
When officers confronted Hughett, she displayed various signs of intoxication, like slurred speech, bloodshot eyes, and a generally wobbly demeanor. She was arrested for public drunkenness and booked into the county jail.
Hughett, who was convicted last year of aggravated assault, is not facing charges for being way too forward with the Easter Bunny.
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Way to Live Up to Your Name
A Florida man was arrested on the early morning of March 18th after telling police that his name was “Captain Dickhead.”
Cops responded to a 1:45 AM disturbance call, at a residence in Sebastian and encountered Pamela Alonge, who apologized for creating the disturbance. She was arguing with her boyfriend in the home’s backyard which prompted neighbors to call the police.
After being asked multiple times to identify himself, the boyfriend refused and was being evasive and argumentative with officers at the scene, according to police reports.
After cops handcuffed the man, they took one more shot at getting his name out of him. He responded by telling them that his name was ‘Captain Dickhead.’
Investigators eventually identified “Dickhead” as Joseph Boren, 25. The idiot was arrested on a misdemeanor obstruction charge. After eight hours in custody, Boren was released from jail on his own recognizance. Boren is scheduled for an April 17 court appearance.
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Man Arrested for McDonald’s Rampage
Jedediah Ezekiel Fulton, 37, of Oregon, went on a rampage after McDonald’s workers refused to make him 30 double cheeseburgers, according to police reports.
Fulton sought to purchase 30 McDoubles last month at a McDonald’s in Sutherlin, a city about 60 miles south of Eugene.
When they told him that they were not making the cheeseburgers, Fulton became upset and caused a disturbance. Fulton destroyed a banner and allegedly attempted to destroy their golden arches.
A brave McDonald’s worker confronted Fulton which resulted in Fulton grabbing the worker by the collar. A witness who feared for the worker’s life then pulled out a firearm, which stopped all of the commotion.
Fulton was arrested when cops arrived. Fulton was booked into the Douglas County jail. He is no longer in custody, according to a prisoner roster.
According to police reports, the week of February 12th, Gayle Tindall discovered her beau pleasuring himself one morning with the aid of some of his favorite pornographic entertainment in the couple’s Fort Pierce residence. Tindall and the man argued for a bit before the victim headed to work.
All hell broke loose once the man returned home. Tindall was still pretty pissed off and allegedly “grabbed his arm digging her nails into his right forearm and scratching him.” Despite his injuries, the victim declined medical treatment.
Tindall was arrested on a battery charge and booked into the county jail (from which she was released on $250 bond).
As a condition of her release, Tindall is not allowed to have any contact with the victim and she is not allowed to go within 500 feet of the couple’s residence. Tindall was scheduled for a March 13 arraignment on the misdemeanor count. As of yet, there is no word on how this story ended.
_________________________________________________
Chicken McFuck It
An obviously hungry Minnesota man broke into a home in the early morning hours of March 10th
and cooked himself some chicken nuggets before police arrived and took him into custody.
Dylan Bradley Madden, 21, found his way into a Mankato home though an unlocked garage door around 2 AM. A woman and her two juvenile children were in the home at the time of the break-in.
Madden found his way to the kitchen, where he cooked the chicken nuggets and poured himself a drink to wash them down with. The homeowner, who confronted Madden inside the residence, told police that the intruder appeared to be drunk off of his ass.Police performed a breath test which recorded Madden’s blood alcohol content at .10, just above the .08 limit. Cops reported that Madden was not at all drunk enough to blame his dumb ass decision on the alcohol.
Madden was arrested on a felony burglary charge in connection with his quest for some post-midnight grub.
Madden’s rap sheet includes a 2016 felony conviction for which he was sentenced to five years probation. He violated terms of his release last year, but court records do not indicate what additional punishment may have been levied against Madden.
_________________________________________________
Fear The Walking Airhead
Deemie was indicted today on several felony charges related to the bizarre drug-fueled spree on February 17 in Peoria. Deemie is locked up in lieu of $500,000 bond and is being charged with burglary, home invasion, criminal damage, and possession of a stolen vehicle. Deemie faces up to 30 years in prison if convicted of the felony counts.
According to police reports, Deemie was under the influence of narcotics when he became convinced that a zombie invasion was coming. Deemie is accused of breaking into the home of a neighbor, Larhonda Gonzalez, around 3 AM and stealing the keys to her Ford Escape.
Deemie then drove the stolen SUV to the airport, where he sought to crash into the terminal. He then somehow bypassed security and got aboard an empty plane parked on the tarmac.
Deemie then fled the stationary plane and, with the aid of a brick, tried to break into a Peoria County Sheriff’s Office squad car that was parked nearby. Deemie planned to drive the cop car to Florida.
Deputies eventually apprehended Deemie as he ran away from the patrol vehicle. Court records do not indicate what specific substance (or substances) caused Deemie to think that zombies were pursuing him.
__________________________________________
Drunken Woman Arrested for Coming on to Easter Bunny
Cops say the 54-year-old Ohioan, Ladonna Hughett, spent Saturday afternoon at a carousel park in Richland, a city located between Columbus and Cleveland. Hughett appeared to be drunk off her ass at the time, according to a witness who spoke with police.
At one point, Hughett had her photo taken with the Easter Bunny. It was then that she “allegedly made lewd comments to the Bunny” before hopping on the carousel. Unfortunately, the Mansfield Police Department report does not completely describe the inappropriate words that were reportedly
whispered in the victim’s giant ears.
When officers confronted Hughett, she displayed various signs of intoxication, like slurred speech, bloodshot eyes, and a generally wobbly demeanor. She was arrested for public drunkenness and booked into the county jail.
Hughett, who was convicted last year of aggravated assault, is not facing charges for being way too forward with the Easter Bunny.
___________________________________________
Way to Live Up to Your Name
Cops responded to a 1:45 AM disturbance call, at a residence in Sebastian and encountered Pamela Alonge, who apologized for creating the disturbance. She was arguing with her boyfriend in the home’s backyard which prompted neighbors to call the police.
After being asked multiple times to identify himself, the boyfriend refused and was being evasive and argumentative with officers at the scene, according to police reports.
After cops handcuffed the man, they took one more shot at getting his name out of him. He responded by telling them that his name was ‘Captain Dickhead.’
Investigators eventually identified “Dickhead” as Joseph Boren, 25. The idiot was arrested on a misdemeanor obstruction charge. After eight hours in custody, Boren was released from jail on his own recognizance. Boren is scheduled for an April 17 court appearance.
________________________________________
Man Arrested for McDonald’s Rampage
Jedediah Ezekiel Fulton, 37, of Oregon, went on a rampage after McDonald’s workers refused to make him 30 double cheeseburgers, according to police reports.
Fulton sought to purchase 30 McDoubles last month at a McDonald’s in Sutherlin, a city about 60 miles south of Eugene.
When they told him that they were not making the cheeseburgers, Fulton became upset and caused a disturbance. Fulton destroyed a banner and allegedly attempted to destroy their golden arches.
A brave McDonald’s worker confronted Fulton which resulted in Fulton grabbing the worker by the collar. A witness who feared for the worker’s life then pulled out a firearm, which stopped all of the commotion.
Fulton was arrested when cops arrived. Fulton was booked into the Douglas County jail. He is no longer in custody, according to a prisoner roster.
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