Let's Shame No More - by Starla Knight

In the wake of the #metoo and #timesup movement there seems to be more solidarity between women than ever before.  And while I realize that new comradery is important for the sake of women’s rights, and progress in general, there is an underlying issue that the younger generation of women have been trying to wake everyone up to; slut shaming. And if we’re going to take responsibility for the cultural norms that have helped to perpetuate the long-awaited need for a #metoo and #timesup movements to break the cycle of predatory work place and social behavior, if we truly expect to fix the problems then we have to acknowledge our horrible cultural habit of slut shaming women.

Slut-shaming. I’m sure you’ve heard the term, but you might be wondering about its true meaning, and you might also be wondering why it came to be a thing at all.  Slut-shaming is the experience of being labeled a sexually out of control girl or woman, most commonly “slut” or “whore,” and is then typically punished socially for possessing said identity.  Slut shaming exists because only girls and women are held accountable for their sexuality, whether real or imagined; boys and men are socially congratulated for the same behavior.

Boys will be boys and girls will be sluts.

Slut-shaming isn’t new.  Repeatedly, decade after decade, despite changes in fashion and makeup trends, despite the progress of women breaking down glass ceilings in countless fields of professions, girls and young women across America are encouraged, even expected to present themselves as sexually aware and sophisticated, both online and offline. Being attractive is good, but being hot or sexy is part of the recipe of the heterosexual femininity. Yet, with one simple mis-step, its easy to slip across the forever invisible and continually shifting line between “sexy” and “slutty.”  If one is perceived as being too sexy, if she calls too much attention to her sexiness, if she lacks the sprezzatura that is essential in pulling off the sexy-but-not-slutty performance, she faces a real risk of becoming labeled.

In other words, if you are a girl or young woman, you are damned if you don’t and damned if you do.

If you refrain from any expression of sexiness, you may be written off as irrelevant and unfeminine, or at least a prude and undesirable. But if you follow the guidelines, pay attention to current fashion expectations, do your makeup just right, rock a flattering hair style or color, you run the risk of being judged, shamed and policed as a slut.

What is new is that slut-shaming has become normalized and omnipresent. I have yet to meet an American woman under the age of 35 who has not been called a “slut” or a “ho” at some point in her life. Acts of slut-shaming are easier than ever to accomplish in the age of social media. Young men can anonymously take photographs of naked, unconscious women with their phones and post the pictures on Facebook without the women’s consent. Women can comment on anyone’s photo, and for some reason feel compelled to do so, casting permanent labels on others based only on a single photographic capture of someone’s’ likeness.


Slut-shaming is far more harmful than simple name-calling — although being denigrated publicly in itself can be traumatic, as the number of suicides by slut-shamed girls attests. Once a girl or woman is regarded as a “slut” or “ho,” she becomes a target for sexual assault. Females labeled sluts by classmates, neighbors or co-workers are fifteen times more likely to be a victim of sexual assault due to their status of being an “easy” target. And if a woman is sexually assaulted, she may be assigned the “slut” or “ho” identity ex post facto to rationalize the crime and to protect the assaulter. In countless cases girls who are raped at partiesare vilified by strangers and peers alike on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and YouTube; they could only make sense of the horrible crime by assigning the “drunken slut” label to the victim.

And while men who are placing the labels often do so to protect themselves socially,girls and women are most often the culprits of the defamatory labeling out of some sort of superficial judgment.  “She was wearing spaghetti straps!” … “Did you see how short her skirt was?” … “Clearly, that top is too small for her.” …“Did she have to wear hooker boots to my party?” … “Omg, her porno eye makeup!” We pass judgment on another females’ choice of attire, and label them based on their appearance and that alone. The more we criticize one another for dressing too revealing, (or the opposite and make a conservative dresser feel prudish and unattractive, and then pressured to wear clothes that make them feel uncomfortable, possibly suddenly acquire a label at the other end of the spectrum by unknowingly crossing that invisible line from sexy to slutty)the more we perpetuate the rape culture too many have already fallen victim to.

We, as young women, have grown up in a world where we have been taught our shoulders distract boys from learning. We’ve been threatened to get sent home from school if our knees show. Little by little, comment to comment, it adds up. Generation after generation we’ve been teaching girls that if they are attacked, its their fault, rather than trying to teach our boys/men to respect women.

News Alert! Women enjoy sex! Enjoying sex does not equate with being a slut or a whore. Despite the stereotypes we often see on television where the man/husband has a 24/7 boner and the woman/wife is always fighting him off. While this male/female sexual stereotype happens in real life, it isn’t the only sexual dynamic between couples. Women get horny and it isn’t dirty or shameful. It’s the way our bodies were designed. Women have clitorises which means we have orgasms and we enjoy rolls in the hay just as much as men. In fact, science suggests that women might even have more fun than their male partners.(The clitoris contains at least 8,000 sensory nerve endings. The head of the penis only has about 4,000 and is less compact than its female counterpart. And even though the clitoris is small, the sensations affect 15,000 other nerve endings.)

So why the conservative message about personal responsibility, “values” and the constant need to shame women for enjoying a body part which, some believe, God gave us?This behavior can be found all over the internet. Whether it’s Mike Huckabee saying women are dependent on Uncle Sugar, Men’s Rights Activists Facebook pages that post victim blaming graphics, comments from the low-information knuckle-draggers, or the brainwashed evangelicals who want to force their religious morality down everyone’s throats, women are told that enjoying sex is slutty and whorish and it’s our fault for being violently assaulted. You’ve seen the comments. We’ve all seen the comments.

All those comments and judgements make me want to film myself having and enjoying an orgy.

The truth is I’ve never participated in an orgy, and I have no actual desire to do it (or do I?), but judgee conservatives make me want to do it as a way of holding up my middle finger. It’s my fucking body and I’ll get off any way I see fit. Judgee conservatives make me want to run through the streets with no clothes on, screaming about women’s sexual pleasure and the joy of orgasms.

The irony is that I’ve always been a bit modest. This is none of your business, but I share this to make a point: all of this shaming pisses me off. It makes me feel rebellious and I’m not alone.My point is simple: the more fake Puritans try to shame women, the more women like me, who are sick and tired of the BS, will stand up and say “screw you!” (No pun intended.)

It’s never ending.  We don’t even wait for actual information about some ones’ possible sex life is like to come in. We judge women as they relate to the length of her skirt, the depth of her neckline and the height of her heels. Women are judged no matter what they’re wearing, regardless of whether an outfit is considered “prudish” or “revealing.” People make damaging assumptions about women based only on their physical appearances — specifically, their clothing choices.

The issue with slut shaming, is that we judge each other period.  Women are judged on our sexuality no matter what we wear, be it from one end of the spectrum to the other.  You can be judged if your loud, or pushy, flamboyant or different. You can be judged on facts or lies. The labels land whether you like it or not.

Amber Rose made her fans around the world aware of how she was slut shamed.  Too young and naive at fourteen to understand what “being on her knees” in a closet with a boy really meant, she was convinced that that’s how the game, which Amber thought was simple kissing, was played.  As soon as she was on her knees before the young man who convinced her that’s how “seven minutes in heaven” was played he threw open the door, revealing her position and causing her middle school classmates to forever slut-shame her.  She was humiliated, had no clue, was falsely labeled a slut as a young virgin teenager, and it haunted her socially for years.

Just so we can clear the air for you women (and men alike) here is a short list of rules that we all need to learn to believe.  We need to teach our sisters and daughters and friends to live by these rules.  Maybe if we can learn to shed the cultural sexual expectations and be comfortable enough to not judge ourselves or worry about being judged, we can then learn to not judge the women around us.  Perhaps if we start with not slut-shamming each other, we can keep breaking the chains of systemic cultural sexual assault.

1. Having consensual sex with another adult is not wrong.

2. You are not a broken woman just because you make out with men. (Or with women for that matter.) 

3. A woman has no obligation to confess every detail of her sex life to men she’s casually dating.

4. Sexual chemistry is totally a “right reason” to date someone.

5. Not having a physical spark with someone is a totally reasonable deal breaker for any woman.

6. A woman should not feel ashamed for sleeping with someone. 

7. Everyone’s sexual preferences are valid, whether it’s waiting until marriage or not waiting very long at all.

8. Being sexual does not make you a bad person. Being sexual does not make you a bad person. Being sexual does not make you a bad person. (Repeat this again 100 times.) 

There is undoubtedly more than one way to be a woman. Maybe we can one day unite around our internal beauty and forget the rest. Ultimately, some women feel empowered naked and some feel empowered clothed, but all women have a right to express and celebrate what empowers and inspires them, without being shamed for that either.

Let me know what you think lovies.  Email me your thoughts at Starla.friction@gmail.com  And as always, have fun, play safe.