#MeToo & the Workplace - by Starla Knight
I did take great care of them. Appetizers and drinks were enjoyed as they waited for their meals, and some unwarranted comments were made about my physic. Main course was served and offers to take me to their next tour stop along with them came, Vegas they claimed, come party with us. After explaining that I was nineteen and not yet allowed to take legal part in drinking, they roared with laughter. Another round drinks were served before the bill was requested, and upon receiving the offer to join them on their travels to Vegas again, I politely declined with the excuse of college courses I was committed to, handed over the bill, and thanked them for their patronage. Someone smacked my ass as I walked away, I was too embarrassed to turn around and see who it was. But they did leave me a decent tip. Decent enough that I made, and still hold, the record for biggest tip in that Italian restaurant.
That was my first experience of hands on sexual assault in the workplace, but it certainly wouldn’t be my last.
Fast forward some ten years and I’m now a single mother of two, recently divorced, just a few credits short of my teaching degree, working as a server in a local steak house, trying to keep the lights on in our apartment and my kids fed. One particular server decided that it was perfectly fine to kiss the back of my neck as he walked by, or come up and hug me from behind, which I can’t decide if they were better than the random smacks on my ass as he went by. A line cook thought it was completely appropriate to corner me in the walk-in fridge and attempt to kiss me without permission whenever he saw the opportunity.
Could I go to my boss about it? He was currently trying to get into the pants of the youngest server on the staff, and I certainly wasn’t the only girl having to deal with the onslaught of sexual attacks in this establishment. It seemed to be part of the vibe that was the place. Everyone was aware, complacent if not compliant or participatory. So, did I go to the boss and complain? Why? So I could be labeled the prude, possibly lose my status in getting the good sections or my job all together? This place worked with me and my schedule that allowed me to be home by the time my kids got off the bus during the week, and work double shifts on the weekends when my kids were at their dad’s to earn the much-needed money.
No. I didn’t say a thing. Saying something was only going to hurt me, and subsequently hurt my kids. I swallowed my pride and I played the game that every woman plays when she ventures out into the world. The ignore game. Just ignore it. Pretend like it’s not there. It was only a matter of time before the ignore game lost its luster.
Jump ahead another few years and the man running for the oval office is caught on tape bragging about grabbing women by the pussy. He just “does it.” As though that’s what women were around him for, so that he could have his way whenever he wanted. And following that revelation, some women wore shirts to his rallies stating that “Trump can grab my pussy.”
Had women become so expert at playing the ignore game that we forgot it was a game at all? Ignoring an assault is one thing, glorifying it another. So, the game of ignore was coming to a quick end. The women’s march happened and women began talking about, instead of ignoring their abuses and abusers.
No one can really say why the Weinstein case seemed to further embolden the movement. But it certainly was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The reports of what Harvey has done to too many of his victims is depressing at best. And the subsequent reports of the abuses revealed that the number of monsters who prey on those in vulnerable positions is staggering, and apparently infecting nearly every industry of the professional, and not so professional, world.
Women are no longer playing the ignore game. For a long time, most women defined their own sexual harassment and assaults in this way: as something unspoken, something private, something to be ashamed of acknowledging. Silence, although understandable, has its cost. A few years ago, I couldn’t have conceived of the fact that so many women had experienced sexual coercion or intimidation; now, I’d be surprised if I could find a single one who hadn’t.
In response to the shock of the breaking Weinstein case, Alyssa Milano asked women to tweet #metoo, to show just how many women have had to endure sexual abuse of one type or another. The response was staggering, as millions of women took to social media to share their #metoo. Some shared their stories, some simply shared the hashtag, but the results sent shockwaves around the country, the problem was bigger than most had anticipated. And those are just the ones who decided to raise their hand. There are still too many women who haven’t raised their hand, haven’t revealed their membership to the #metoo club, for fear of the consequences, be it even the simple acknowledgement of something private being known to others.
The power of #metoo though, is that it takes something that women have long kept quiet about and transforms it into a movement. Unlike many kinds of social media activism, it isn’t a call to action or the beginning of a campaign, culminating in a series of protests and speeches and events. Its simply an attempt to get people to understand the prevalence of the sexual harassment and assault in society. To get women, and men, to raise their hands. There’s a monumental amount of work to be done in confronting a climate of serial sexual predation, one in which women are belittled and undermined and abused and sometimes pushed out of their industries altogether. But uncovering the colossal scale of the problem is revolutionary in its own right.
Let’s not forget that men are sometimes victims as well. The predation typically takes place when someone who has power (often professionally), and then uses that power over the individual(s) underneath them. I’m not claiming that sexual predation is a male oriented thing. I believe rather, that it’s a power play, and women can play this power game as well. Statistically speaking though, men make up more than 85% of all positions of power in the work force (and generations before us it was nearly 100% male), thus the culture of men using sexual assault as a power tool to get what they want is more prevalent.
Just as any pendulum swings in one direction, it will swing equally in the opposite direction. For a while the pendulum was located on the side of sexual predation on those of little power, but now the pendulum has swung to be on the side of the voice of the perceived powerless. This has given some women the courage to tell their stories. Unfortunately, it also means that it will give courage to women who simply want the attention.
Yes, we were forced into playing the victim as we played the ignore game to be accepted in the workplace. It’s easy to do in a world that is hard enough to navigate without sexual predation. And yes, some women have gotten so good at playing the victim it has become a way of life, their badge of honor, that they will wear for everyone.
Stop it ladies. The game is over. That means that if the men can no longer use their power to get off, or to get you to do what they want, then you no longer get to “play” at being the victim.
And no, you can’t go accusing a co-worker or acquaintance of sexual assault because they asked you out, or gave you a compliment. Yes, if a coworker repeatedly (more than twice) asks you out and you’ve politely turned him down each time, then feel free to say something to the man. Tell him not to ask you again, and that if you should ever change your mind (because that’s what he’s hoping for and why he keeps asking) you’ll be sure to let him know. If after that, he still asks you to go out then go to a supervisor. But this “we ran into each other at the club, and he asked me to dance more than once, I think he should be professionally punished,” is bull shit, for two reasons.
One, we are still human beings. Biologically we are designed to be born, age, procreate, die. Our bodies compel us to do these things whether we want to or not. Finding a mate(s) is one of those things all species, in one way or another, attempt to do. So, having the courage to make an advance on someone is a good thing. We want men to have the courage to ask us out. We just want the men to give us the respect we deserve when being asked. And more than 60% of us find our long-time mates while at work, despite policies that prohibit internal relationships. It makes sense, considering the number of hours we spend at a job verses the number of hours we get to spend enjoying other activities. There is a greater probability to get to know another person you like well enough to want to fuck on a regular basis at work. Don’t get offended that someone at work pays you a compliment, or asks you out. Get offended when you’ve genuinely been disrespected.
Two, just because women have been the victim to this sort of power play, since-well… forever, doesn’t mean that someone else has to now take our place. There is no tit-for-tat here. No one has to be the victim. If we want equality, then let’s have equality. That means no victims. Do you want your brothers, your husband, your father, or your sons, accused of something they didn’t do? Do you want to delegitimize the voices of those who were truly victimized?
This #metoo movement has scared some people. It’s scared men who know that they have preyed upon women, and rightly so. If you fit into this group then I highly suggest you get your act together. The women you victimized in the past might leave you be, because it’s now in the past for them as well, or they might not. But you can be sure going forward women are going to feel more empowered to stand up to your predation. However, it’s also scared men who do not fall into the abuser category, because now the most innocent of compliments can be misconstrued into assault, and they could be pushed out of industries. It’s also scared women, who feel that even with the current wave of support they still won’t be believed if they do speak up, or the still possible repercussions speaking out sometimes has. So how do we move forward without being afraid?
This is a great question. And guys, I’ve got a few tips for you.
One, if you are a person with any sort of authority or power over others in the work place, do not abuse that position of power by sexually victimizing your staff. Just don’t. Not in anyway, not at any time. It’s easy, really. Don’t coerce employees to perform sexual favors for you, not for raises or promotions, or anything. Don’t make lewd comments about them. Yup, you have a dirty mind, that’s great, but not a single one of your employees needs to know how much you love Karen’s tits (from accounting) to perform their duties professionally. Just keep it professional.
Two, treat others with common respect. Would you act or say what you’re thinking about doing or saying in front of your mother or sister? No? Then maybe you should refrain from saying it at the workplace or to a co-worker. It’s easy, really. Would you dry hump Karen (from accounting) in front of your mother? Would you tell Karen how much “you want to motorboat her titties,” in front of your Nana? No? Then don’t do it, period. Show some respect. That’s something you save until Karen lets you stay over.
To the brave ladies who have #metoo’ed, I applaud you. Thank you for your bravery, thank you for your stories. To the men who have continuously showed women respect in the workplace, I applaud you. Thank you for being the good example. Granted, this article really only addresses the issue of sexual harassment in the workplace, and doesn’t delve into the issue when it invades other aspects of our lives, but the workplace is a good place to start, especially when we consider the amount of our lives that we spend in the workplace. Let’s keep the conversation going, let us continue to make progress to victimize fewer and fewer people. And let me know what you think. Email me at Starla.friction@gmail.com.
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