Your Guide to Holiday Office Party Hook-Ups - by Starla Knight
The yearly galas where co-workers are forced to be together, exchange secret Santa or white elephant gifts and likely encouraged to partake in an alcoholic beverage or two. I know, you’re surprised to learn that combination doesn’t always end up with the best of results. Who would have known? Trojan.
Trojan conducted a poll, asking people about their holiday office soirees, and you might be a little surprised at the number of those who admit to indulging in a little holiday hanky panky this time of year. Holiday office hook ups rank 3rd in the occasions for top one-night trysts.
42% of men, between the ages of 18 and 34, admit to having an office party hook up with a co-worker, while 27% percent of women in the same age group admit to similar sexual celebrations. 74% of those admitting to the one-night office affair state that they took their party procreation off company property. However, 10% of the remaining festive fornicators admit to copulating on the boss’s desk, 18% shared coitus in the conference room, 16% mated in the mailroom, and another 10% copulated in the copy room.
The possible loss of employment over such relationships isn’t the only risk. 46% of office holiday hook ups admit to not wearing a condom. But the younger generation practice it safer than the senior age group (55-64years). Of the senior group that admitted to partaking in the holiday office hook ups, 84% percent admit to not using a condom. Okay seniors, preventing pregnancy isn’t the ONLY thing condoms come in useful for, so to my senior readers who don’t consider pregnancy an issue, STDs always will be. Protect yourself and others.
STD’s and pregnancy aren’t your only risks. 23% admit to being reprimanded for the inter office relations by HR, and one in ten people claimed they knew of someone who received a pink slip for the holiday office romp. 76% of those polled regretted their choices afterwards. Some regretted the whole experience. Some regretted their choice in nooky partners. Some regretted the location. Some regretted the lack of protection used. But, most everyone regretted the amount of alcohol consumed and its contribution to the poor choices made.
But hey, holiday office escapades aren’t new, and they certainly aren’t going away anytime soon. I’m not hear advocating for their end either. I prefer my name end up on the naughty list. Who are we kidding? You’re probably going to do it anyway. I’m here to provide a little bit of guidance for those who plan on attending seasonal office celebrations, and those who hope to perhaps feast on a little more than honeyed ham, and make the naughty list as well this year.
One. Make a List. Yes, a list. Not a naughty or nice list. Make a list of any and all of those that you deem are acceptable to fuck while you’re sober. Make that list and stick to it. No last-minute exceptions, no matter how inebriated you end up. You’ve already accepted the chance to end your employment and/or any possible promotions. You have no doubts that you can get another job to replace it tomorrow. But can you live with yourself if you sleep with the office creep? Or someone married? Or the boss? You are willingly playing a game of risk, but you don’t want regrets. Make a sober list of acceptable fucks, and stick to it. Do not share this list with anyone else.
Two. Don’t do the boss. There are so many reasons why. Just don’t do it. Don’t. Find someone else’s boss.
Three. Don’t do it in the office. There’s a 62% chance that a video of your bare ass, and everything else, will find its way onto social media. Such photos could hinder those beliefs in getting a replacement job tomorrow. Rather, plan ahead. Prep your place for someone to join you, or get a hotel room close to the office. You’ll also lessen the overall risk to your employment and type of reprimand when you take the affair off company property. It might be exciting, but as titillating as the office setting might be, don’t do it in the office.
Four. Check relationship statuses. The “they never told me” defense doesn’t count when you’re surrounded by 20 of their closest collogues. Some married people think the holiday office party is a ‘free pass’ even if their significant other believes otherwise. You don’t want that sort of drama. This is supposed to be fun, innocent or not so innocent, fun. Try and stick to the singles. Update your list if needed.
Five. Tease your office crush. If you’ve got a specific crush at work, build up the sexual tension beforehand. You want the idea of the possible office jubilee coupling to be jingling in their imagination as well. The likelihood that they will be setting their radar on you for the celebrations will be increased. Ambitious party goers will do this with everyone on their acceptable list.
Six. Hold your head up high. That’s right. Even if you want to eat your own heart, walk into the office the next day, bright and early, with your head held high. You made your list, you made your choices, own it, don’t be ashamed of you. You might want to plan ahead and have a spare outfit in your desk. This way if you didn’t follow number three, maybe you even ended up sleeping under your desk, you’re not wearing the same thing you did to the party the night before. Look fabulous, even if you’re secretly sick in your waste basket just before lunchtime.
Seven. Like always, practice safe sex. The CDC reports that STD’s are on the rise. Use protection! That goes for you too seniors. Do you really want the ‘talk’ from your kids, or grandkids? Save everyone the embarrassment, and use protection. You should all be keeping a stash of condoms on hand. Always.
Like always, my lovies, I’d like to know what you think. Am I missing an important rule/tip to holiday office celebration hook ups? Please let me know. Email me at Starla.friction@gmail.com. More than anything, I hope you all have a wonderful, memory filled, holiday season.
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