Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie & Vanilla Sex - by Starla Knight

It’s July! The month we, as Americans, celebrate our independence.  The month in which we decorate everything in stripes and stars and reflect upon our American traditions and values.  Somehow over the centuries we’ve reduced our history of revolt and hard-fought independence to summer vacations, trips to the lake, and camping.  (Hey, I’m not complaining, bring those things on!) But we’ve got to this glorious state of forgetful bliss by the hard work and sacrifices of the generations preceding us. So, thank you, immigrants (voluntary and involuntary) from the past, who fought to get us here and fought to provide the American dream.

With all things being red, white and blue this month, what’s more American than baseball, hotdogs, apple pie and vanilla sex?

Vanilla sex?!

I know, I know, all you freak flag flyin’ folk are going to want to argue that your way is just as American, if not more so than vanilla, because you’re breaking the establishment rules and exercising your freedom, even freedom from judgmental vanillas.  But let’s not place judgment upon vanillas as you don’t want judgments placed upon you. This month, we’re celebrating  those who haven’t been getting their deserved recognition.

The term vanilla was originally coined by the kink community to indicate the "norm" from which they strayed.  Vanilla is now used as a blanket phrase for sex free of all the bells and whistles that kink offers.  Vanilla means no toys, no costumes, no imagined identities, no power play, no safe words, or porn. Vanilla is generally imagined as missionary-style sex in the dark between a monogamous, heterosexual couple, with minimal foreplay. Vanilla involves some brief (hopefully not too brief) penis in vagina intercourse, and at least one, but certainly no more than two, orgasms.

There are many people who might automatically consider the term vanilla sex, or vanilla as negative.  And I’ll confess that my previous articles within Friction might even suggest that vanilla is “less than,” or boring.  But truthfully, normal is in the eye of the beholder, and if you happen to have negative feelings about vanilla, then perhaps some inner reflection is in order.

Vanilla sex shouldn’t be shamed for a couple of reasons.  First of all, normal or “culturally acceptable” fluctuates with every individual, and it’s not fair for anyone to judge another on their own version of comfortable sex, period.  Sex should be comfortable to all parties involved.  Yes, sometimes levels of unease or nervousness come into play (especially if we add in all of our weird individual insecurities about our own inadequacies, its normal to expect a little bit of un-comfortable feelings) but I think we can all agree, boring to us or not, that vanilla falls into very comfortable territory for all.  Comfortable means you’re more likely to enjoy the experience, and that’s ultimately the goal.  If vanilla is the only way you’re truly comfortable, good for you, that’s great.

Second of all, Vanilla only seems boring because of its linguistic comparison to kink. With kink there are a thousand different exciting uses of terminology for all of the variety of sexual interactions one or more than one can have.  But certainly what works for one kink does not work for all.  Someone might like to be blind folded, cuffed and nipple clamped, but doesn’t like hot wax.  The same should be concluded for those who prefer vanilla. One vanilla might prefer all lights off, while another prefers candlelight. Great sex still occurs in vanilla style, as variety exists in the vanilla world, they just haven’t developed a language for it, yet.  

Developing a language for vanilla would require talking about their preferences, something typical vanillas don’t do; talk about their sex lives.  Just because they don’t talk about it doesn’t mean its not gratifying or exciting to them.  Perhaps they should develop a lingo that suits their lifestyle, but then that doesn’t seem very vanilla.

Perhaps vanilla is American because it’s been accepted in our culture, including television programs and movies, that have normalized vanilla as acceptable as it’s the primary display of sexual relations deemed allowable by the FCC, greatly influenced by conservatives and religious organizations. Although even vanilla representations being displayed, or discussed in media is on the newer side.  

   For years writers and directors were not allowed to show/display married couples sharing the same bed, even just talking.  I remember as a small child loving the reruns of “I Love Lucy,” but found it oddly strange that Lucy and her husband Ricky slept in twin beds, with a 3 foot space between them, in the same room.  Back then any hint or portrayal of sexual relations was taboo, even
vanilla representations.

In America today however vanilla has been normalized to have some level of representations.  We see couples sharing the same bed on television, under covers and out of view, but at least there are no more couples sharing a room in separate twin beds.  Other influences beyond mass media constructed Churches and media alike deemed that missionary was the only acceptable means of copulation.

Yes, vanilla is as American as baseball, hotdogs and apple pie.  Clean.  Pure.  Normal.  Normal in the confines of traditional, church approved, missionary position.  Vanilla is American, as are all other non vanilla types. Vanilla is non-taboo, and still acceptable by law in all 50 states. And if vanilla is the only acceptable means of copulation by all 50 states, and their multitude of odd laws regarding sex, it’s American.

But, like always, I would love to read what you think.  Email me at starla.friction@gmail.com

Happy Independence Month my lovies! Be safe, and live and let love!