Naughty News - January 2019
Iowa Man Arrested for Jacking It In Uber
27 year old Christopher Jensen was charged with a serious misdemeanor in connection with an incident several months ago in Iowa City.
Police reported that Jensen called for an Uber around 4:45 AM and got into the front seat when the vehicle arrived. During the ride, Jensen removed his penis from his pants and started jacking off in front of the driver.
After explaining that he enjoyed it so much, Jensen allegedly asked the driver, “Do you want to touch it?” The Uber driver stopped the car and told Jensen to get out.
Investigators, who identified Jensen through Uber records, noted that the suspect admitted to taking an Uber but also claimed that he did not remember masturbating in the cab.
Jensen was released from the Johnson County jail the next morning.
Florida Man Arrested After Trying to Pay for Meal with Pot
A Florida Man tried to pay for his food with weed at a McDonald’s, but was denied by a drive-thru worker who called 911 to report the incident.Cops report that Anthony Gallagher, 23, ordered food at a McDonald’s in Port St. Lucie around 1:30 AM on December 16. When Gallagher pulled up to the drive-thru window in his Pontiac he allegedly presented a clear plastic bag that contained a green leafy substance and offered to provide the marijuana in exchange for the food that he ordered.
McDonald’s manager Ghassan Awad declined Gallagher’s offer and immediately alerted the police.
When the police finally arrived, Gallagher had already fled the scene. However, around 2:05 AM, Gallagher returned to the drive-thru line, where he was identified to police by Awad. Gallagher’s vehicle was hard to miss since it had a surfboard protruding through the rear window, according to police.
Police reported that Gallagher’s ride smelled like marijuana and that loose cannabis was found on the vehicle’s center console. They searched Gallagher and found a bag of pot in his pants pocket. In addition to a possession charge, Gallagher was charged with driving under the influence.
While the police report does not detail Gallagher’s McDonald’s order, his excessively dirty auto offered clues to his fast food preferences. The floorboard was littered with French fries and chicken nuggets, and molded chicken wings were found in the rear floorboard of his vehicle.
Sesame Seed Fun
A Florida Man arranged to receive oral sex from an undercover female cop in exchange for a hamburger, according to police reports.Frank Caponi, 57, was nabbed on the afternoon of December 1st after allegedly unknowingly setting up a burger-for-sex arrangement with a St. Petersburg cop. The affidavit does not indicate whether Caponi already had the hamburger or was prepared to purchase one before the sloppy toppy appointment.
When questioned by arresting officers, Caponi reportedly admitted that “he and the female spoke of sex.”
Caponi was booked into the county jail and charged with a misdemeanor prostitution count (from which he bonded out that evening after posting $250).
Caponi’s rap sheet includes convictions for grand theft and battery on a law enforcement officer. Cops also reported that Caponi operates an auto body shop and that he has a Death Before Dishonor tattoo on his right arm and a grim reaper tatted on his forearm.
A Very Sticky Situation
Robert Somley, 52, is currently in custody in the Bridgeport jail on $150,000 bond after he allegedly tried to intimidate the 48-year-old victim. Somley was charged with a second felony count for violating a protective order, In addition to witness tampering.
Somley was arrested last month in connection with his consensual romp with a married woman. The incident occurred at a residence in Monroe, a town about 15 miles west of New Haven.
According to investigators, the woman was helping Somley load wood into a trailer outside of his home. The woman told police that she dated Somley 20 years ago and had recently run into him again and was helping him through a tough time. She said that Somley lost his home to foreclosure which resulted in him moving into a Monroe apartment.
When 15 minutes passed and Somley did not return to help continue to load the trailer, the woman returned to the apartment. She discovered him completely naked and watching porn on the laptop. Somley explained that he had to jerk off before he started to work. Somley then told her to go back outside and to give him a few minutes.
After 20 minutes went by, Somley still had not returned to the trailer so the woman re-entered the apartment. This time, Somley was standing near the entrance naked with maple syrup on his penis. But the woman did not immediately leave the home after seeing Somley’s sticky meat.
She said Somley began touching her breasts, which turned her on. The woman also revealed that she was a willing participant in the sexual encounter that followed. In addition to the maple syrup, the duo used blueberry jelly during their encounter.
The sex act came to a pause when Somley complained that his back was hurting due to the awkward position he was in behind the woman. The woman was draped over an L-shaped couch. Somley then began looking for his Aspercreme.
Following that turn of events, the woman agreed to Somley’s request to perform oral sex on him. That is when she noticed that he was recording her with a cell phone. She was mortified and immediately became irate.
Somley reportedly replied that it was nothing and that it would be fun later when he plays the video for her. The woman told police that she was extremely upset and started freaking out. She also said that she suspected Somley was video taping her instead of masturbating while he was positioned behind her for 45 minutes.
When the woman asked Somley to delete the footage he refused, so she contacted police. The victim even offered $1000 to Somley, but he turned her down.
Investigators ended up seizing Somley’s phone after obtaining a search warrant. The device did indeed contain videos of the victim.
Somley was arrested on November 24 for voyeurism with malice, a felony. He was released from jail after posting $50,000 bond, but was rearrested on December 10 for witness tampering. He is next due in court on December 20.
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